Sailing With Tess

By Pam Hadder

We all do it – at least at some point – we set sail with the firm belief we are the master of our destiny.  When things go awry, we push on – ignoring the small signs and the huge, rolling swells that signify “dangerous waters ahead.”  But how much control do we ultimately have?  Is it truly mind and muscle over matter?  Modern self-improvement gurus might witness our floundering and hypothesize that we are not immersed in self-belief or believing, period –  à la Deepak Chopra, or the Secret.

On the other hand, consider Thomas Hardy’s classic tale, Tess of the d’ Urbervilles – it is likely that you had to slog through and analyze the beans out of this novel in high school!  What has stayed with me post high school is my frustration with the ludicrous limitations placed upon the protagonist, Tess.   Tess has an opportunity to escape with her true love, Angel, but instead she succumbs to fatalistic views and fulfills the tragic heroine outcome.   Consider when the search party finds her sleeping on the altar at Stonehenge – woman as sacrifice; a human offering for a twisted world that frames the feminine as unstable, promiscuous, consumable, and as object – she is a stripped down caricature, devoid of agency.  

The novel’s ending was so aggravating to me as a young woman – I mean, what the hell, I would have fought a lot harder that!  I didn't have the critical awareness or the language to articulate my frustration at that time. Furthermore, the subject of sexism was not addressed by my teachers.  I now see that the book was a complete set-up of the female gender, a damnation of women as irrational temptresses, incapable of forging a worthwhile path in the world; keep those XXs on a short leash or goodness knows they’ll stab you in the heart – literally the message served up by Hardy in his characterization of Tess.

So what is it – mind over matter or wildly surfing the whims of fate?  As much as I have battled the naysayers, the misogynists, and the structures that limit womanhood, and it pains me to admit there have been too many times that I sailed with Tess, forgetting my dreams and allowing opinions and social pressures to alter my course.  I recall being very small and building a sand castle by the lake shore – as soon as I would make a little headway – whoosh another wave would arrive to dash my hopes and remind me of inadequacies I had already begun to feel; inadequacies I resisted but which my socialization reinforced as being attributed to my girlhood.  How many times have you heard “take it like a man” or “run like a girl” etc. – associations with the feminine are too often framed as the incapable, the weak, and the laughable “other.”  

It seems to me that the perils of young dreamers are very real; particularly if the  person is a girl, a woman, or identifies as “feminine.”  Rather than accepting what others frame for us as "suitable for women,"  we need to persist, follow our personal passions and interests, and we must insist upon equal treatment in all areas of life - and we must encourage and inspire others to  understand that women's rights are basic human rights.

Hillary Revisited

By Pam Hadder

My Mom is downsizing – she has finally sold the four-bedroom family home and is moving into a swank, green energy, 50+ apartment.  I am very proud of her practicality and spunk – she is looking forward to NOT shoveling snow, raking leaves and paying property taxes!  She has been so great at letting go of the old and embracing change – I am very proud of her in all ways. During the de-junking phase of Mom’s big move, we came across many interesting papers and trinkets – lots of things we had forgotten.  Some of the items are enjoying renewed significance, whereas much of it was just garbage.  For me, one of the treasures was an old issue of Homemaker’s Magazine (April 1993).  On the cover is a smiling, confident Hillary Clinton – just four months into her role as America’s First Lady.

The corresponding article was called “The Hillary Factor” and was written by Jocelyn Laurence – I skimmed through the paragraphs and images, and was struck by how much was different and also by how much was very much the same!  It made me realize how little ground we have made as women in political life – half the North American population is still being marginalized while the boys hold court.  Women who dare to enter the lion’s den are mocked and belittled and as such female perspectives are gravely absent from our political process.

Feminist hopes were very high for Hillary at that time: “whatever you might feel about her … politics…her attitudes and actions will put a new spin on the role of the political spouse and equality between the sexes.”   Further, Laurence commented on the “confusion engendered by a smart woman in a position of power” – instead of smiling on the sidelines, Hillary was visible and engaged in her own working priorities both on the campaign trail and later at the White House, where she got the press in a frenzy by occupying three offices.  There is no doubt that Hillary Rodham Clinton inspired women and girls to grab their hopes and dreams by the collar and hang on.

The writer parallels Hillary’s experience with Canadian first ladies, Maureen McTeer and Mila Mulroney, describing the flack these bright women faced because “they decided to do something other than buy designer gowns and meet interior decorators.” McTeer was characterized as “strident” and Mulroney was unfairly typecast as “an expensive ornament.”  Hillary had similarly been vilified by the press as “the yuppie wife from hell,” among many other insulting and demeaning statements – remember all the fuss about her hair bands for goodness sake?  The Homemaker’s article reminded me of the ridiculous preoccupation with Hillary’s physical attributes versus crediting her for sparkling intelligence and her many admirable capabilities and accomplishments.  Despite any bad-mouthing of Hillary and Bill’s partnership in politics, Clinton was elected and the rest is history.  A respected contributor to the Clinton administration, the former First Lady has continued to be a great influence and political leader in her own right, being elected to the Senate in 2001, and serving as the 67^th Secretary of State (2009-2013).

Now Hillary Clinton is considering running for the Presidency – I for one, hope that she does run!  Can you imagine – at long last – a female President in America?  She is more than qualified to handle the job; if only America will look at her extraordinary abilities, breadth of relevant and valuable political experience.  Can you imagine the media focusing on her abilities versus on her gender, her shoes, her hair; etc.?  In 1993 a Newsweek poll showed 49% of American women thought favorably of Hillary and that 46% supported her taking an active role in her spouse’s Presidency – over 20 years have passed, polls will come again; have North American women made progress in gender equity, or will Hillary have to run the same patriarchal gauntlet?

Normalizing Violence - Boston Horror

by Pam Hadder

We've all heard too much about Boston this week, and not in the way that was expected - and yet we haven't heard nearly enough, right?  We can't understand what drives young men to commit such cowardly, devastating acts of violence against people they don't even know, people in their community; their fellow citizens. It's simply inconceivable - it is surreal and horrific.

For decades, feminist academics have been searching to expose the roots of masculine violence, and to understand what factors contribute to creating and sustaining structures of patriarchal power and marginalization of women and other minorities.

Many theories exist, and they all offer some truth, but none satisfy the entire question - we find ourselves asking "why, why, why"?  We understand the validity of gender role theory - how our boys are taught that masculine equals aggression, and that women are inferior objects of sexual desire.  Statistics seem to show that children who are exposed to violence and aggression in the home (social learning theory) normalize these behaviours and see them as appropriate responses in daily life. We know that colonialism not only is the root of racism, but that its structures continue to thrive in government and business, and these structures support and breed racist, sexist and classist agendas.

But when immigrants seek asylum, benefit from Western education and freedoms and then attack the very hands that preserved their lives, that is hard to understand.  Western ideology is all about the individual, autonomy and independence - we see ourselves and our children as successful when they are able to "make it" on their own.  Eastern ideology is very different - the value is on community, and the ties to community and one's responsibility to it are culturally entrenched for generations, hundreds of years.  We see the East as blind, lemming-like  creatures who are incapable of independent thought and action - they see us as selfish, immoral, self-absorbed monsters.  Both are grossly ignorant, over-simplified generalizations within the complex fabric of global humanity.

To me, the underlying message is simple - we need to instill tolerance and understanding in our children.  Allowing other perspectives does not obliterate one's identity or culture, it is simply an acceptance of human diversity of thought and approach - instead of right/wrong or either/or, we can move toward a both/and way of thinking and analysis.  And where does violence - terrorist violence, like the Boston Marathon bombing - fit into this puzzle?  We see two types of terrorist violence in North America - the guilty Westerner who becomes convinced that his nation is evil and must pay the human price, and the devoted Easterner who sees Western ideology as a global threat to humanity.  Both sides see their ideal masculinity as aggressive, dominant power - if I can destroy more, take more, create more fear, then I have power.  Power is everything, and any physical or psychological means will be used to obtain it and hold it. Indoctrination versus personal critical thought is at play in either case. And what of accountability - whether personal or community-focused, what culture would condone mass murder and maiming of innocents?

The kicker for me with the whole horrible Boston incident was some of the American women who posted on my Twitter feed - I was appalled by their remarks.  They were actually crooning and fawning over the second suspect who was captured alive - "so glad that boy is alive," "oh he looks so young and thin," "he reminds me of my boy" etc. (WTF???) Patty Hearst syndrome seems to be alive and well and with a much shorter incubation period, thanks to rapid fire social media - even the news of the capture was seen first on Twitter versus the national news networks! First of all, the criminal suspect is a nineteen-year-old man - in Canada and many other nations, he would be old enough to vote, to fight for his country, and so on. I was just mortified by public ignorance about criminal violence - for these women, it was all about the suspect's appearance.  Because he looked attractive, young and vulnerable, their heteronormative Mommy programming kicked in - 170 injured, 3 murdered (blown to bits) - including a child, and they are fawning over a "caught on tape" terrorist.

In closing, I am a mother of three, Canadian, Liberal, and a patriot with many friends and relatives in America - and even with my liberalist, tolerant views, I am as appalled by these inane home-grown reactions to terrorist violence as I am by the heinous acts themselves! Think about it folks, and please challenge your friends and neighbours to understand all sides of the issues!

One GREAT Book!!!

Remember that ad jingle, "I'd like to buy the world a Coke...?" Well if we could buy the world something,it would be Derek Lin's book The Tao of Joy Every Day. 

The Taiwan-born American writer addresses human spirituality with such insight, warmth and remarkable practicality - it is hard not to see yourself within its pages. Lin's writing is simply unlike anything else we've encountered and we see it as a great daily living primer for people of any faith or background.So where are we going with this? The heart of the matter is one vital ingredient that is often overlooked when we work to address issues of gender equality: spirituality! 

Scholar Leela Fernandes,(Transforming Feminist Praxis), writes about the need for women to reclaim spirituality in order to evoke lasting change in their communities.  At first this seems a bit odd - we hear the word "spirituality" and we are immediately uneasy. It's hard not to think of all of the global conflicts which are rooted in religion. However, Fernandes is not denying the tragic history of war and oppression fueled by religious differences.  Rather, she is suggesting that at a certain level we are all connected by a non-religious spiritual thread. 

This is where Derek Lin's writing fits in... this writer is most fortunate to work in a forward-thinking environment, and each morning we start the day with reading one or two entries from Lin's The Tao of Joy. Today's reading was number 239 (of 365!) entitled "Differences."  Lin's writing is not just for Taoists, and he encourages the reader to view differences as a collective strength. In the spirit of sharing all that is good for the great good, we would like to share this excerpt from Lin's book with you - enjoy:

"Have you ever noticed how people have an irrational need for others to be just like them? They want people to think and do things the way they do. They show a definite preference for those who have attitudes and perspectives similar to their own.

Friction occurs when this need is not met. All too often, people encounter others who have different ideas and opinions. Sometimes, the differences are in terms of beliefs, values and political ideologies. The feeling of irritation sets in. Then, they feel discomfort, and after a while discomfort becomes resentment.

This is not in accordance with the Tao. The teachings of the Tao celebrate the diversity of the myriad things. It is the differences you see everywhere that make life interesting. Imagine a world with only one kind of flower or one kind of fruit, and feel how grateful you are to not live in such a world... 

Out of the same spirit of gratitude, affirm the truth that others cannot, and should not, all be the same as you.  After all, out of the countless humans who have walked the Earth, there never has been anyone quite like you. You are absolutely unique, and the many differences between you and other are there for you to embrace and enjoy.  We should celebrate our differences."

- Author, Derek Lin, The Tao of Joy Everyday, 2011